So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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