as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I need to align my fucking chakras
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
