Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So much Jack, so little girl.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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