I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
