Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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