Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The ass gains better be worth it
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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