He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
