I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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