Do you still have your period?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
