I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
