Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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