I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
