Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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