I don't usually arrange sex via text message
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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