4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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