Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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