This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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