She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
