Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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