I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
