explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
