Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
