i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
