mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
