the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
