I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i dont even know how to be here
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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