a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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