i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
