The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
