hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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