I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
