Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
