Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
