ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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