he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
