3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
