my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
