Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
