Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
