that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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