Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
