Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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