I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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