two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Your penis caused this!
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