I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
