the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
