Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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