Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
