I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
