Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
